Death, & Your Mind
I have never been one to deal with the death of a loved one in a good way; I just cannot seem to come to grips with death. The first funeral I ever attended or remember attending was my dad's. I was going into my last year of pre school, and I was totally in denial, I swore down that the man in the coffin was not baba. It didn’t hit me until the day after, that he was really gone, that it was really him lying there and that I will never see him again. I guess deep down I knew that he would die, as will all of us in our time. I just didn’t think that I would see the day it happened; I mean he was my dad—he is my father, the man I looked up to. I guess I selfishly expected him to live forever, as I am sure many of you feel the same, regarding your loved ones. Death, Murder and your Mind are a combination that I don’t wish on anyone, no one should have to endure the emotional pain that comes with it, but unfortunately at some point we do.
3 years ago I lost my dear pal. Her name was Dora but I used to call her Chunya ( heart in my native language), Chunya I love and miss you very much. My best pal was murdered in a very cowardly way, she was involved in a hit and run, then left for dead like a piece of trash on the side of the road. That is something I still have not been able to come to grips with because I have not had any closure to her death. Lately in my county few murders cases of hit & run have been solved, and thanks to those people who have been ‘snitching’ the police have been able to give closure to those families. Unfortunately, I am still waiting and hoping that one day I too will get some closure for my pals death.
Today am also mouring my aunt, whom I have been fortunate enough to share a large part of my life with. People say I have plenty of her traits, we both happened to be loud. The saddest part is she was alive, well & ready to start her projects. That day we even talked then 5 mins later she saw the light & I bet it was the prettiest thing she has ever seen, she decided to follow the light instead. My aunt was the realest person ever, & am not saying this because she is no more, she was one person who would tell you what she thought was right. Hate or love her she would tell you any way. She had her faults again who doesn't but she had a big heart. And my prayer has a believer is that she has gone to a better place, full of happiness, no tears just joy in plenty. Abebo I love you & will always love you. Rest In Peace
My mind is taking me on a journey, and even though I have been there before, this time, because I have put on a smile and shut out my feelings it’s making it that much harder to cope with it. It’s funny how the mind works because what we may think is not affecting us, or bothering us really is, when it’s staring you in the face. To us, if it is not in our conscious then we are ok, but when you wake up one morning and you remember a dream that you had, or one day you are just driving, or walking and something very random pops into your head, you will know at that point you were wrong.
They say you should be the watcher of your thoughts trying not to be so quick to critique and dismiss them. Try to learn from them, and figure out what the message is behind it. I have not yet been able to fully decipher my thoughts, but I do know that the only thing I can get from it is that I am keeping too much in. The death of a loved one is never easy. I feel for those families who endure the same pain I feel. When Chunya died, a week after the funeral I was a mess, and then I started to pick myself up. Part of me felt guilty because I was living and she wasn’t, but I also know in my heart that she would want me to live, not feel sorry for her. My dad's death made me stronger despite everything I knew I had to work hard & help my elder brothers & sister in taking care of my mum. Know my aunt has left & I feel the same I need to continue with her legacy no matter how long it will take, cause she had a lot in store for us, the family has a whole.
They say that the mind is a powerful instrument IF used correctly, but when you have so many thoughts going on in your head you just want to turn it off, even for just a minute, just to have some peace and quiet, and sanity. The most powerful tool we have been blessed with, some would feel they are cursed if they had to constantly relive horrible memories and thoughts. To me, I am blessed, even through my sleepless nights and nightmares, because that is something that no one can take away from me—it is where I store my fondest memories and where I hide my worst.
“I am always saddened by the death of a good person. It is from this sadness that a feeling of gratitude emerges. I feel honored to have known them and blessed that their passing serves as a reminder to me that my time on this beautiful earth is limited and that I should seize the opportunity I have to forgive, share, explore, and love. I can think of no greater way to honor the deceased than to live this way.” ― Steve Maraboli
